We, the adults in this messy world of adoption, are going to mess up. ⠀
Here’s the good news: Repair is possible AND good for the brain. ⠀
Think of a relationship that was able to weather a conflict or difficult time? Did you come out the other end knowing each other a little better? Maybe even a little closer? ⠀
When I’ve had a blow up with my child, sometimes I need to talk it out with one of MY safe big critters before I’m ready to “put on my big girl panties” as one adoptive mama put it. Then I can be the grown-up in the situation.
If you need to vent somewhere before you’re ready to repair – about how terrible your child was behaving or how much you have on your plate or how unfair it is that you have to be the Upstairs Brain for everyone in your family!!!!! – do it!! That way you can be back in charge of your actions instead of letting your downstairs brain drive your bus.⠀
Try saying, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled/walked out/said that.”
You can use kid-friendly language like “I had a tiger moment” or brain-based language like “I was in my downstairs brain.”
Keep it short and sweet. Don’t make excuses for your actions (we don’t like it when our kids’ apologies are riddled with “buts”).
If you need to come back to your child’s actions that preceded your blow-up, do it at a different time. Maybe pull out the “I had a moment” printable to help tell the story of their downstairs brain moment.
If you’re curious about the science of rupture and repair in early childhood, check out this episode of Raising Good Humans with guest Edward Tronick, PhD.
